We think we have secrets, but our secrets have us...
One of my all time favorite quotes is, “We think we have secrets but our secrets have us.” For many years I held onto secrets because I thought that if I revealed them, I would reveal my unloveableness and unworthiness right along with them. If anyone were to know the real me, they would see how imperfect I was and for years that risk felt way too high. The fear was, if I show people who I am they will leave.
It wasn’t until I started working with teen girls that allowed me to understand the power of telling the truth about myself. I wanted to help teens desperately. I wanted them to have access to the power of yoga and so I was teaching classes at every high school, soccer camp, dance studio, youth group that would let me. I was 24 years old and was ready to change the world! However, each time I taught I felt like it wasn’t landing. I felt like I was pouring my heart out but I was left with blank and bored stares back.
One key ingredient was missing…me. Teenagers have very high bullshit detectors. Many adults approach teens like kids. They treat them like they know nothing. Even though I was only a few years older than the teens at the time, I was doing the same. I was approaching connecting with them as “ I know more than you.” One day after a particularly rowdy gym class of forty sixteen year olds, I blurted out, “ Yoga helped me stop hating myself.” The room went quiet. I had their attention. I continued. “ I used to really hate myself. I always felt like there was something innately wrong with me. I felt like if anyone were to know the real me, they would leave.”
More silence. “Yoga helped me understand that I was someone worth loving. That is why I am here. I want you all to know that you are worth loving too.” It was the most honest I had ever been in my teaching and the response was very powerful. It was the reason I started leading Girlvana Yoga Retreats because I could see the deep desire for teens to continue to have safe space to tell the truth of who they were.
The more real I was, the more trust was built and the more healing ensued. This inspired me to really walk the walk and take it into not just my professional life, but my personal life. I began to start telling the truth about myself to my friends. What I learned was that the friends worth having never turned their back on me when I shared who I really was and what was going on inside of me. They didn’t run or deem me unlovable. They gave me space and grace to understand myself deeper and begin to accept myself on a level I never thought possible. It became the new gold standard for friendship and relationships. Twelve years later I have the most potent and life giving friendships I could ever have hoped for.
One of the most powerful examples of this is my friend George. When I share something I feel ashamed of, he meets me with zero judgement. He allows me to share and nudges me to explore the root of the feeling. When I reveal myself, I feel a new found freedom. The feeling is no longer trapped inside of me, instead it is held and carried out lovingly in a safe space between friends.
This is the first key to having conscious friendships—Psychological Safety. You create an agreement with your friendships around what each of you need to feel safe in order to share and grow. This includes confidentiality, non judgement and acceptance and many other you can craft together with your friends.
Conscious friendships can be a powerful way to reveal ourselves so we can dispel shame and move forward. That is why George and I are teaching this body of work in a unique format this month, so folks can learn how to deepen their existing relationships or learn to call in new ones.
This is just one of five keys. This workshop is suuuuuper juicy and we are so excited to share it.
To learn more or sign up, click here.
Happy truth telling xo
Ally