50 women. 30 days. At the end of the road in a small Panamanian village, I witnessed some of the most exquisite and profound healing of my career. I have been home almost one month since then and I have much to share about my integration process.
Truthfully, I am just skimming the surface of processing it all. I have been leading retreats and trainings for over a decade but the integration piece always sneaks up on me. Rationally, I know I need deep rest, good food and minimal social time but every time I fuck this up. I come home and feel the desire to ‘hit the ground running.’ This time around, it felt like there was so much to do—unpack, reorganize the house, start a podcast (!) I did that for one week and then surprising to no one, I got sick.
My stuffy, coughing ass called my teacher. I knew exactly what she would say. I knew exactly what I would say to myself but sometimes you really gotta hear it from someone else. She said and I quote, “stop being a dick to Ally.” She is really blunt like that. She said it in other ways too, “turn your grace upon yourself,” and “give yourself the acknowledgement you deserve.”
If I am being honest, when I really look at the last few weeks, I know that I was terrified to feel the enormity of it all. 5-0 women. 5-0 women working through their blocks, their fears, their pain. Fifty women coming undone in order to rebuild. 50 women showing up for the BIG work. The tears, the screams, the laughter, the dancing. It was so big. It was so sacred. It was so real. “Only you and God know what went down last month,” she says. “Well, and me.” She is the most on-point clairvoyant I have ever met, so I know she knows. I start to cry because I remember that I have been witnessed. It is impossible to tell you how profound that time was. No instagram reel or casual conversation can convey. I know the women who were there know. I know the land knows, the waves know, the moon knows.
But coming home to the hustle and bustle of the city, endless emails and to-do’s? Oof. A ton of bricks. My teacher reminds me,
“you go first”
“be the change”
And the one that hit me the hardest…
“do not betray these women, live this shit in your bones.”
I know it. I know that if my desire is for women and girls to end the war within themselves, love themselves and find deep acceptance within, I must go first. I must be the change. Always. If I do not take away the lessons, this whole thing would be a grift. Imagine… your teacher shares all this powerful, life changing wisdom and they themselves cannot walk it. I have seen it time and time again with many teachers, myself included. This is not to say all teachers need to be perfect, no, this is pointing to the fact that we must always do our work to continue to traverse the path of acceptance, love and grace.
She reminds me that my integration is not a luxury. It is my job. To rest, to go in, to tend deeply to my needs. To acknowledge my effort and to truly be the thing I am presenting. “This,” she says, “is how you honour God.”
I woke right up. I immediately remembered. I do not wish to do a disservice to the brilliant and brave work of these 50 women by coming home and being a dick to myself. No way. Instead, I will choose the path of grace, gratitude and deep rest. And so I have. I have been slow and kind. When I mess up some days and find myself doing too much, I catch myself in the act and I move on with compassion instead of shame. This is how we reprogram ourselves: compassion over shame. We must remember that we are not patriarchal, capitalistic robots and that productivity does not equal worthiness!!!
I am certain I did some of the best work of my life last month. It felt effortless, fluid and so wholly me. Now, I must commit to being just as present, just as kind and just as gracefully as I tend to my sweet body, mind and soul. As teachers, we are beholden to the integration process. We cannot skip over it. It is here and present still within me, this portal of transformation and growth that I walk everyday. Here is what is has been looking like for me these past few weeks (perhaps not what you thought :) ) But everything is a season, what is working for me right now, won’t work forever but I am heeding to what my body and spirit are asking for.
My teeth are brushed and I am in bed by 730 most nights
Early morning practice of morning pages (3 full pages of steam of consciousness writing)
Hot yoga…I know, who is she? There is a Modo Yoga 5 minutes from my house. I needed the most convenient studio space I could find to get there and land. I am not interested in fighting LA traffic at this current juncture, so it happens to be Modo. I haven’t practiced consistent hot yoga in over 15 years but there is something about a warm space, a simple practice and no music that is really doing it for me right now.
Steak and red wine. My teacher calls these First Chakra foods. Not everyone is gonna like this, or need this, but meat is really serving me right now, and so is one delicious glass of red.
Sunshine. I am grateful to live in LA and be able to lay in my hammock and get lots of sun on my face while I look up at a big beautiful tree. Shout out to that tree.
Dance. My dear friend Erin Ward leads these dance ceremonies here in LA and last Sunday I went and danced my heart out for two hours and then laid on the floor and bawled my eyes out. So necessary.
The Kardashians. Don’t @ me. It feels right.
I am slowly returning back to my humanness. My energy is coming back. I am feeling rested. I have released the pressure to push or do more. I am enjoying having a few conversations a week with brilliant humans for the launch of the Ally Maz Show but it is not coming at the cost of my life force energy.
The little sprinkle of offerings I am planning feel aligned and exciting. I am working each day to go first. May my rest be my merit, what I can inspire others to do, not my productivity or my hustle. It is December after all! In my teacher’s words, “go down, bitch!” Meaning, RELAX!
If you’re up for a cozy new moon ceremony next week, I am leading a zoom sesh themed around the last new moon of 2023. Expect slow, balancing breathwork, a visualization meditation and journal prompts. Recording will be sent out. Sign up is here.
At the end of January, I am co-leading a Breathwork Training with George Ramsay for anyone that wants to become a breathwork teacher. All the info on that is here.
My most favourite workshops are still on sale, you can find them here.
In the meantime, I will be basic-bitching by going to hot yoga, watching reality TV and drinking wine.
Love you,
Ally xo
photo by Kiara Schwartz for Ladyvana Retreats