I flew from Oaxaca city to Los Angeles Monday morning. I landed and hit the ground running by spending $150 at Kinko’s printing my tax returns from the last 3 years. I picked up old mail from our old house and slid into the bath at my best friends house. I let the lady on YouTube quiz me on my American History. I smother myself in lotion and crawl into bed. An early morning tomorrow to hopefully become a US Citizen. A weird thing. I have wanted dual citizenship my whole life. I wanted to be a backup dancer for Janet Jackson and if I could just work in the US, I could make my dreams come true.
17 years later I am sitting in the waiting room with packed with immigrant families hoping for their own American dream. I watch teary eyed as one by one people emerge having passed the test. I am the lone white woman feeling the depth of her privilege. Do I really want to be an American? And yet here are these families emerging with hope, possibly and resolve.
I too pass the test and complete my oath ceremony. Something about bearing arms for the country if necessary and giving up loyalty to Canada. I mouth the words.
I walk out and am greeted my two of my most favorite people. They wrap me in an American flag. I spend 6 hours the next day at the passport office expediting my passport and now here I am, a day later in Mexico City, a Thursday, waiting for my suitcase.
Life is wonderful and weird right now. No home. One suitcase. Two passports.
I am a brave woman I think to myself. And when I become afraid, I think of it as an insult to God. I feel myself offending my angels and guides. I think the universe is like, “come on, not again?!” Has the universe not given you the perfect lessons along the way? Provided you with everything you need? Can you see the perfection in your path?
I take a deep breath and yank my overpacked suitcase off the counter belt. So unlike me. I am at the point of the trip where I want burn ever item of clothing I own. To me it represents a little extra padding of my fear on what these 6 weeks would be like. Now that I’m here I realize I really only needed like 2 dresses and a bathing suit and everything is fine.
We are on a research and development trip exploring different regions of Mexico to see where we want to live. So far we are leaning to the Oaxacan coast but we have a few more places to see.
I am meditating my ass off these days. There is no other way. Hot tip… making massive life changes? Don’t do it without some sort of practice and prayer. I would not be as brave as I am without my connection to God and my ability to sit still and train my mind.
The human condition is such that, we feel discomfort and we reach for something to soothe it. Scroll, eat, drink, smoke, freak the fuck out… name yours. We want to make the discomfort stop.
However, life is asking us to meet discomfort, not run from it. Could you stay? Could you breathe deeper. Could you observe the mind and change the thought? This is what is keeping me grounded. When I feel discomfort I work with it. Meaning I observe it, I feel it and reprogram the mind. If the thought is one of anxiety, worry and fear, I change it. I work with “it’s safe to…” a lot. This mantra deals with the first chakra will helps calm down the whole system.
It’s safe to feel. It’s safe to explore. It’s safe to be me. It’s safe to be free. Try this next time you want to numb the discomfort away .
Okay that’s enough from me for now. I just wanted to check in and say I love you and keeping going! You and I both, let’s keep going!
And if you want to go somewhere with me, here are my upcoming training and retreats for 2024:
September - Breathwork Training in Asheville- registration launches soon
October- 200 Hour Yoga Teacher Training in Panama at Sansara Resort. Info here.
November - Ladyvana Panama Women’s Retreat. Info here.
I am also planning a trip back to Vancouver this Spring so stay tuned for in person classes as well as some online moon offerings!
Much love to you always,
Ally
Hoping to make your breathwork training in Asheville this Fall! I'll keep an eye out for the dates :)