“Your fear is dumb,” my teacher tells me two weeks ago when I unload the stuffed drawers of my anxiety at her. But, but, but… I want to say. I don’t, I continue to listen. We speak again about the compulsion to worry, how we as women tend to inherit it from our mothers and their mothers. She is always asking me to look at who I would be without my worry. Free, I say. But some days I cannot get passed it. I feel the tight gripped fist of my stomach and the waves of nausea that ensue when my to do list floats around my body asking, did you do this yet, what if you don’t, what if it fails, what if it’s all your fault? It feels extra spicy today coming off a week in New York with my in-laws. I have barely touched my computer. Jet lag and panic woke me up this morning. I sit among unpacked suitcases, last night’s takeout boxes and an exhausted dog who barked at every pop of a firework last night.
As I tackle the list, there is a slight ease that arrives. I remember that action helps combat anxiety. I also remember that creation battles worry. It is why I am writing to you. To me, writing is alchemy. If I could just tell you how I feel then perhaps my feelings will begin to transmute and a lesson could appear that could help us all. “Fear is your binky,” my teacher often says. And it’s true. When I feel myself getting closer to what I want, I can often sabotage it by being afraid of the thing I most desire. Why am I so afraid of what I want?! It feels counterintuitive doesn’t it? I move toward my dreams and somewhere along the way I pop my fear pacifier back in my mouth. Can fear really comfort us? Well, yes…and here is why.
First let’s look at what we are really afraid of. I ask my students this question a lot and what I often hear is failure. When I ask them to describe failure it is often not getting what they want. So we are simultaneously afraid of NOT getting what we want AND getting what we want. How can this be true?
When I tell my teacher I am afraid of failure, she will say “EHHH, wrong answer…try again.” When I get quiet, the only answer that emerges is, my. own. power. I promise you this is your answer too. Even if you don’t immediately think that, the more you distill it down, the more you will likely see that you, me, we are not actually afraid of failing, we are afraid of what would happen if we get what we want. When we don’t get what we want we can stay addicted to our worry, our fear, our disappointments. We can get our binkies back and comfort ourselves with what we know best— our worry. Because, if we get what we want we must step up, grow and become a bigger version of ourselves. When this happens we must change, life must change, and not everyone around us likes that.
It reminds me of this Marianne Williamson quote which I am sure you have heard but I think she nails it.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I read this quote over ten years ago at my first speaking gig. Ironically it was a talk about Girlvana, the thing I am most worried about right now. Funny, I sat down to write today with no clue what I was writing and here is this quote, and this memory. So if I am afraid of my own power and I am sabotaging myself with my own fear and worry, how do I get out?! How do you get out?! How do we get out?! Let’s let my higher self answer this because she is emerging as I write this:
See through your fear. Your fear is the block to love. Why are you afraid of love? What parts of you feel undeserving of love? Who near you is afraid of your success? What are you making it mean if you really shine? What are you afraid will change if you get what you want? Journal these answers today, they will get you closer to your own truth and they will help you navigate the waves of your fear. You are allowed to have what you want. But it’s going to take you believing it.
Okay everyone, let’s do what the lady says! The Full moon was yesterday but we can still feel the strong amplification of her power, so if you are feeling extra sensitive, it’s okay. Clearly, me too. The last quote I will leave you with is this one by Rumi. Another banger I have forgotten about but immediately came to mind as I began writing this.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Okay I am feeling a little better! Are you? Today I vow to get into action and creation and not let my fear win. Today I vow to catch myself when I stick my fear binky back in my mouth. Today I will find ways to not shrink back. I am sending you love and strength to do the same.
Do you wish you knew about all this stuff at a younger age? Do you wish that someone would have told you it was okay to shine and not be afraid of your own power? Same. That is why I created Girlvana, so that teens could access these types of lessons, teachings and conversations.
This August I am leading a teen girl retreat on Vancouver Island and have some spots left. It would mean the world to me if you could share this with any teens, parents, coaches, teachers you know. All info can be found here.
As always thank you for reading! I am with you as we all navigate the waters of fear and love. Till next time,
Ally xo